The Tragic Death of Uzumaki Naruto
by AnimeFanReader01
Summary: How many funny ways can I think of for Naruto to die? Hmmm...I wonder....
1. Paperworked to Death

The Tragic Death of Uzumaki Naruto

Rating: M (for a naughty word/character death)

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. I make no money from this. Read and review, if you can BWA-HA-HA.

Our story starts as many do with Naruto and Tsunade arguing.

"I can be a better Hokage than you any day old lady." said Naruto.

"Naruto, you call me old one more time, you won't live to be Hokage." said Tsunade in a voice that froze the young ninja in his tracks.

It was just another day in Konoha. Naruto was so tired of Tsunade putting off his becoming Hokage. It just wasn't fair! He had already proven himself to the village time and time again. His latest exploits were already the stuff of legends. He had brought back Sasuke just a month ago, and last week he had finally succeeded in destroying the Kyuubi's consciousness. He now had access to all of Kyuubi's chakra and for all intents and purposes the fox that had terrorized Konoha was dead.

"Why won't you let me be Hokage? I just don't understand. I have nearly the entire village behind me. I have brought nearly all of the Hidden Villages together in an iron-clad treaty. I finally took out the last of Akatsuki and I am one of the top 5 ninjas in the world. Why not?!" Naruto screamed the last part he was so frustrated. He had been standing in front of the Hokage's desk for the last 30 minutes pleading his case. But for some reason, the old bat didn't want to give up the title just yet.

"For numerous reasons. One, you just don't understand the meaning of the word patience. You want the title of Hokage right now and wouldn't even think of waiting a year or 2 until you have the entire village behind you before you advance. Secondly, I uhh...I need the money..." Tsunade trailed off on the last part.

"The only people left to get behind me are the one's who's only loyalties lie to the Hokage, and for another thing, why do you need the money?"

Tsunade leaned back in her chair before answering.

"If I hold the title of Hokage for another year I will finally have enough money saved up to pay back ALL of my gambling debts. You don't know how it feels to know that you owe more money than you could believe. I want to pay it all back so I can have a clear conscience and can go to sleep without wondering if the next day debt collectors are gonna catch up to me." Tsunade was nearly crying towards the second part of her speech but to Naruto, a trained shinobi, it was clear that it was mostly a show. Mostly, anyway...

"Ok, I can remedy that by giving you a loan on your retirement pension, now what else?"

Tsunade couldn't believe that she hadn't thought of that. It would be so easy, yet it took a mind as simple as Naruto's to point it out.

"Fine, but to tell you the truth I don't think you understand what a Hokage really does. For one thing, it isn't just doing S-ranked missions all the time. You have to handle the village in such a way as to make it prosper. I just can't see you doing as much paperwork and everything that I do every day. I have to heal myself just to keep my brain from short-circuiting."

Just then Shizune walked in. She was carrying her customary 4 foot tall stack of paperwork.

"Good afternoon Hokage-sama. I got your midday paperwork ready. I'll be back in a few hours with more for you."

Shizune walked out leaving a pissed off Tsunade and Naruto, who was smirking at the pile of paperwork facing the Hokage. He knew it would take her a lot of time to do it all and he had known of a way to do it quicker for years. He turned to leave.

"Since I'm not Hokage, I don't have to do paperwork huh? If you would let me be Hokage you wouldn't have to do all of that paperwork." Naruto said, baiting her.

Tsunade looked back and forth between Naruto and the pile of paperwork on her desk. It would take her the better part of the day to get it all done and she really needed a drink. All of a sudden, an idea popped up in her head.

"Uzumaki Naruto, I hereby instate you as Hokage on one condition. That condition is that you do all of the paperwork on my desk in 1/2 hour. Do you accept that challenge?"

Naruto stopped immediately. He turned around with the largest smile he had ever been seen with. He could just see the Hokage's robes draped over his frame.

"Deal!"

Tsunade's eyebrows rose as far as they could go. Did he know something she didn't? But she knew that there was no way for him to get all the work done, so she wasn't worried. As she walked out the door to go down the street to get some sake, she left him with false words of hope.

"Don't fail." She started laughing barely outside the door. She was gonna get a break, and Naruto was gonna get some work done for her. She won, he lost. Plain and simple.

30 minutes later...

Tsunade felt great. She had gotten some sake in her system and was now a little tipsy. She walked in to her office and was immediately pissed. All the paperwork had been placed in her out box and Naruto was sleeping in her seat.

"NARUTO!!! WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!?!"

Naruto fell out of the seat and proceeded to curse her for waking him in such a manner. Each word out of his mouth just made her angrier.

"MOVING THE PAPERS TO THE OUT BOX DOES NOT CONSTITUTE DOING THEM!!"

"I DID DO THEM, SO STOP SCREAMING!"

"Naruto, there is no way in hell you could have done even half of those papers in the time allowed. I regret it, but now you will never be Hokage, I'm giving the title to Sakura."

"I did a secret method to get it all done. I haven't told you how because your too dumb to use it."

All of a sudden Naruto felt like his soul was dying. He looked at Tsunade to notice that veins were popping out all over her forehead and she was giving off enough killing intent to make Orochimaru shit himself. As he backed up into a corner, cringing, he threw his last bit of info out in a desperate attempt to save himself.

"Since I get all the knowledge they acquire when I dismiss them, I just used a few dozen kage bushins to get all the work done while I slept. It was easy."

Tsunade blew all her gaskets.

"YOU KEPT THIS FROM ME FOR HOW LONG!!!!!!!" screamed Tsunade.

"3 or 4 years." said Naruto in his meekest voice.

And so ended the life of Uzumaki Naruto, wannabe Rokudaime Hokage. Tsunade was committed to a mental institution for the remainder of her life. Rock Lee was made the new Hokage, proof that hard work does pay off.

A/N: This is my first finished story. It wasn't that hard, not like the Itachi story I'm working on. Just wondered why Tsunade never used this technique to get her paperwork done. Oh well, later.


	2. Remember to Zip

A/N: I've decided to make this a series of short stories about all of the hilarious ways I can think of for Naruto to die. I don't write very fast, but this one I put out in about 2 hours after I had the idea. The tricky part is to write the whole thing before inspiration leaves me.

What many people don't know (i.e. what I made up for this story) is that on the morning of genin assignments, Maito Gai came down with an unyouthful case of the flu. As such, he decided to cancel team practice in order to not spread his unyouthful condition. The world went on its merry little way, but this is a story about what might have been. Maito Gai didn't get the flu and as such didn't cancel training. This is how it would have played out.

-8:15 a.m., Training ground 11-

Tenten, Rock Lee, and Hyuuga Neji were in a three-way battle royal. While normally Neji could take on either of the two without any difficulty, they had the habit of teaming up against him. What was even more annoying was the way their combat skills complimented each other. He slid back into one of his basic defensive stances as he awaited their next move.

"LEE! PLAN 12!" yelled Tenten as she pulled out 2 sealing scrolls.

"YOSH!" screamed Lee at the top of his lungs, effectively deafening anyone in a 1 mile radius. Team Gai, however, had come to consider earplugs as one of the greatest things since sliced bread. Gai had completely forgotten he even had them in anymore.

Tenten released a giant steel bat on the scale of Hoshigake Kisame's Samehada; it was amazing she could even lift the huge lump of metal. Next, she unsealed a block of iron the size of a small building attached to a chain, which she quickly affixed to the base of the bat. She let it rest on her shoulder as she pulled 3 kunai out of her pouch and threw them in the air.

Neji arched an eyebrow as Tenten prepared to swing the bat. _'So she's going to hit them at me? I won't even have to use my incomplete Kaiten on…'_

All of a sudden, he noticed a huge burst of chakra as Lee opened the first two gates and rushed up behind Tenten.

"Oh fuck me…" Neji uttered…very un-Hyuuga-like as he started what he could of the Kaiten.

Tenten, strong enough to swing around a 400 lb. block of steel like it was nothing, swung as hard as she could, while Lee kicked as hard as he could at the back of the bat, wearing half a ton of weighs, with two inner gates open, at the exact moment that the expertly crafted and thrown kunai lined up for the hit…yeah, those kunai broke the sound barrier.

Neji didn't even see them coming, he just felt two of them grazed the edges of his imperfect Kaiten before one of them shot straight through and clipped his thigh, efficiently ripping off a large part of the muscle. With an agonizing scream, he went down as the kunai embedded itself ring deep in a rock some 30 meters behind Neji, spraying the area of impact crimson.

From Tenten and Lee's perspective, Neji had been encased in a 'blob' of chakra before both of them heard a scream and felt something slam into the bat that they had used. They both looked down, and to their growing horror, saw one of the kunai had ricocheted back at them and had embedded itself halfway through the steel bat.

"TENTEN! LEE! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!?" screamed Gai as he came rushing to Neji's aid. A quick emergency aid scroll was quickly pulled out as he hurriedly pulled out what he needed. He quickly put on a tourniquet and stemmed the blood flow. When he was finished, he dosed Neji with some morphine and turned back to his students.

"We're s-sorry Gai-sensei; we've only used wo-wooden weapons until today when practicing. We didn't know it would do this much damage. P-Please help him, we're so sorry!" stuttered Tenten as tears streamed from her eyes. Lee was nodding reverently as Tenten spoke, not daring to add a word even as his own eyes sprouted tears of remorse.

Gai could tell that both of them were indeed very sorry, so he did the only thing he could.

"I am forbidding the use of PLAN 12 unless in defense of your own lives or the wellbeing of this village. Now, Lee help me get him to the hospital, maybe they can fix his leg before any permanent damage occurs. Tenten, I want you to clean up the training grounds of all your weapons, and fix any damage to the grounds that you can." With that said, he unsealed a stretcher from his emergency aid scroll and placed Neji on it. With Lee at the other end, they raced off to try to save Neji's leg.

-An hour later-

Tenten was in a conundrum. She could not find the third kunai from PLAN 12. She had looked everywhere for it.

'_Oh well, it's probably embedded in a tree somewhere. I'll never find it, so I think I'll go home and take a bath.'_

With one final glance around, she headed on her way home.

-8:20 a.m., Konoha Ninja Academy-

Uzumaki Naruto was squatting on top of a desk, directly in front of Uchiha Sasuke. He was trying to understand what was so great about someone who was such an emo and a first-rate bastard.

All of a sudden, everyone in the classroom heard the sound of glass breaking, followed by one of their fellow student's head being separated from his body and said head being pinned to the concrete wall on the other side of the room by a kunai. Everyone was in shock as they stared at the poor kid's head dripping brains and blood all over the floor.

Then, the worst thing that could possibly happen…did. The deceased genin had been in the process of standing up and had unfortunately caused Naruto to fall forward, while at the same time Sasuke was trying to stand up. Naruto…he really should have noticed his fly was down from going to the bathroom earlier. His penis slid out of his pants, and promptly found its way into one, Uchiha Sasuke's, mouth as they both fell to the floor.

The entire room went silent.

No one even paid the beheaded genin's body, or head stuck to a wall, any attention. Sasuke was having unfortunate flashbacks about times Itachi had needed to blank his memory of his father's…actions. Naruto wasn't even thinking, his mind had sensed his imminent destruction and immediately blanked itself, getting a head start on his death. The girls in the class who weren't drooling over Naruto's impressive package (aka, Sasuke fangirls) were seeing red. From their perspective, it looked like Naruto was skull-fucking their emo-prince. They slowly started to advance.

-15 minutes later, Konoha Ninja Academy-

Iruka didn't know what to think.

He had walked in to find the entire room drenched in red, small chunks of flesh hanging from every surface. Most of the class was huddled against the far wall, looking with terrified eyes at a group of girls sitting in the front row. Haruno Sakura, Yamanaka Ino, Yukinoku Ami, and 3 others were busy sharpening their kunai while wearing smiles of insanity. Sasuke was in the corner near his desk, curled into a fetal position, trying to claw his eyes out. Hyuuga Hinata was in another corner, crying her eyes out, petting something wrapped in her jacket, muttering about how lucky she was to know a stasis jutsu to protect her 'Little Naruto' for the future. A kid's head was nailed to the wall with a kunai, his body laying half on top of a desk. Iruka only had one question…

"WTF? Where's Naruto?"

The girls sitting in the front row locked eyes with him, smiled wide enough to show every single tooth, and proceeded to advance on him.

Fin

A/N: There are two things you can take away from this story. One, Maito Gai being sick was imperative to Naruto living, and DON'T MESS WITH FANGIRLS! They may appear to be weak, but that is just the method of their madness.

Du-du-du-du, another Naru bites the dust…

Also, the large block of iron and chain was used to keep the bat from going airborne after the hit.


End file.
